Happy Christmas, asshole.

It's a sad Christmas in the Donaldson's Household. It will be the last Christmas of Jeffrey Donaldson Senior. He's dying. His son sits with a large cardboard box on his lap. Jeff Jr. is faking his best smile at his hairless father.

“You hate it, don't you?”

“No.”

“I thought you wanted a DVD Player!”

“Dad, DVD Players are not so... forget it.”

Junior hands the box to his wife Shirley. Junior's mother is sad.

“Mom, can I ask you not to cry? It wouldn't make this any easier.”

Jeff Senior throws his hands at the air.

“Look, there's something I need to tell you both.”

Junior raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“Santa's real.”

The couple doesn't react to the situation. Junior gestures for more information. The eyebrow stays high. “Elaborate. Please”.

“What more do you want me to say?” answers his father.

“Do you have cancer or some kind of mental disorder? What Santa are we talking about?”

“The one and only Santa, son. I'm sorry. But I can't keep on living this lie.”

Junior picks up the DVD Player. “D'you mean Santa gave me this Chinese DVD Player? How thoughtful of him.”

“Of course he didn't, don't be stupid,” says Jeffrey Senior.

“I'm going to radically change the subject and talk about football.”

Jeffrey Senior takes a deep breath. “Son, you and pretty much everyone you know... you're assholes. Santa stopped giving you presents because of your behavior.”

“What?”

It sounds crazy, too crazy. Jeffrey Senior gets up and points out the window. “How much do you know about quantum physics?”

“Not much.”

“Exactly. I am, as you are very aware of, a well-regarded quantum physicist. Santa does exist and uses extremely advanced technology to deliver presents in a timeless and everlasting pattern each human year. He just thinks you're not worthy of his appreciation. I'm sorry.”

“What?!” yells Junior. “Have you lost your mind? So every single adult in the world it's been played by his parents?”

“Yes. There is a universal understanding for this. The Universal Board of Parents orders to every parent to deny the existence of Santa by the time the child becomes an idiot. It's a win-win situation, for the child suffers a mild disappointment and Santa is free of any responsibility.”

“The what?” asks Junior’s wife.

“Shut up, woman,” responds Jeff Senior. “You’re an asshole, son. It was easier to lie and send you off to a life where you would’ve surely figure that out by yourself.”

“Huh?” says Shirley.

“I said surely, not Shirley, bitch.”

Junior jumps off his seat. He can’t believe what he’s been told. He is an asshole. “And why didn’t you tell me?!”

Jeff Senior curls his lip. “I don’t know. This was easier. It was easier for you to believe that quantum travel hasn’t been invented than believing you’re an asshole.”

“Quantum travel and eternal life?”

“They’re related technologies! See… you’re an asshole!! I’m sorry, son. I didn’t want to die without telling you this.”

Junior circles the room, his mind is a whirlwind of ideas and contradictions.

“This doesn’t make sense!”

Junior’s mother reaches out for his hand. “It didn’t make sense when it happened. We thought you were a good child. But this was when you turned 13. The very same age you started masturbating. According to Santa you fancied a lot with a few issues of Nat Geo Magazine. He didn’t like that.”

“THEY WERE TOPLESS AND I WAS 13! And besides… how did he find out?”

“QUANTUM PHYSICS, I TELL YOU!” claimed his father.

“What about kids of other religions? Don’t they get presents?”

“Santa’s German.” Jeff Senior hides both sides of his upper lip and draws a moustache much like Hitler’s. “I guess he’s an asshole too.”

Jeffrey melts again on the couch. His shoulders drop down with his gaze. “Well, this is kind of sad.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry you’re an asshole. But I love you, son.”

Junior breaks. It’s his last Christmas with his dad. He’s being honest and Junior loves that. “I love you too, Dad. I will miss you. A lot.”

They hug.

“Is the Easter Bunny real as well?”

Jeff’s father lets go of his arms. “What are you? Stupid? Of course not. Now crack open that DVD Player and let’s watch this Blue Ray of Indiana Jones I bought you.”